Yes, I'm sure.

Due to budget cuts, even though I made bail the night I was arrested, I still had to spend the night in a holding cell. They didn't have enough staff to release anyone between 10:30 p.m. and 7:00 a.m. I still don't understand this, but again, I was in no condition to argue. The profile of the ladies with whom I spent the evening is another story for another time. At about 2 a.m., though, I was called out of the holding cell and put in what looked to be some kind of interview room. I guessed someone had come to see me. I prayed it wasn't my father, whom I had called crying from the holding cell hours earlier. I didn't want him to see his high-achieving pride and joy behind bars.

It was the kids' dad. He came to see if I was okay. He told them he was my lawyer, showed them his bar card, and they let him in. The first thing he said when they brought him into the interview room, "I can't touch you." I must've looked like I really wanted to hug him, but no mind, I wouldn't have wanted to touch me either. Remember the earlier urges to pee--they hadn't ended well. We sat in silence for a few minutes and he said,

"You know you have to quit drinking."

I nodded slowly, as I had been thinking the same thing. Nevertheless, some part of me thought, "Really? Do I really have to quit?"

And that's how I know I'm an alcoholic.

I have friends who have told me they don't think I am. One in particular who jokes that I wasn't trying hard enough. I called two people before I got in the car that night who've both told me I sounded fine. But I know. A little voice had been suggesting it for some time.

A couple of weeks ago, in an effort to clear out a jumbled mess of thoughts that were bugging me, I reached for an old journal to jot some of the mess down. I came across a list of fears I wrote down at the suggestion of my therapist, about a year ago. Top of the list? "I'm afraid I'm an alcoholic." So I knew. And I know.

I'm not going to preach my 12-step program. I'm not supposed to do that, and it sounds queer anyway. But it's AWESOME. And no matter how uncomfortable all of these "feelings" get--the ones I used to drink away--I like being sober a lot.